"It will be so nice when we dont have to do the knee walk and the physical jerks of reaching behind your head for the toilet paper, without twisting and falling off of the loo seat. All so you dont put your foot through the floor".
We have grout in the kitchen floor tiles. At some point the drain man will be back to sort out the new kitchens drain. As the new kitchen used to be 2 bedrooms that we have knocked through.
Life has taken some crazy turns over the last few years. Move to Scotland make the over 500 mile journey to see my family. Up down, up down.
Trying to settle. Trying to grow things in a very inhospitable garden, one of my joys, growing anything gives you a real boost.
Then covid happened and I had to close my businesses, I wont go into details but as I hadnt been in business long enough the Scottish government didnt help us. Where as in England people were given £10k, I got nothing. As my business was also my new home, I was forced to sell it in the middle of a pandemic. Trying to buy a house from 500 miles away, with Covid restrictions took its toll on me and selling in Scotland means you agree a date and that, is, that. No pulling out at the last moment.
Then at the beginning of December last year, I moved home on my own to help my mum nurse my dad to his death in January. I am not a nurse. I am very much not a nurse. I cant even watch casualty on TV. And any smells or gore make me vomit. Yes, I am that weak a person.
Our house sold the same day it went on the market. We had an open day, as I was worried about people coming in all the time and touching things due to Covid. Four London couples were arguing over the house in the front garden. The estate agent actually said that one of the women was wild, they had missed out on a few houses with closing dates and was furious with the Scottish system. This lady told everyone in the queue who was looking at the house, "what ever you offer I will out bid you". Covid has made everyone nuts.
Que his Lordship slipping on the stone steps and nearly breaking his back. He had to go to hospital and stay there to stabilise his spine. He still has a walking stick a year on.
Following my dad's death we were lucky enough to move into a friends partially renovated double garage. Trying to see houses in Cornwall, when you live in Scotland was very hard. Estate agents wouldnt even listen after we told them we had sold in Scotland already, had cash but would need to travel to view the house. We eventually got around this by sending my cousin who looks exactly like me to view the properties whilst having us on the iPad watching her walk around the rooms. Why did it need to be someone who looked like me? Well, before you were allowed to look you had to send a picture of your passport to show you were British and your bank statement to show you had the money.
We missed out on a few houses which was disappointing. We have bought a wreck of a bungalow. When I say wreck, I mean, it was very close of whether to knock the building down or try to renovate it. We currently have 3 rooms with no floors as they have been ripped out. They are completely rotted through and you are lucky to not fall through the floor. One such room is still like it. It, being the toilet! ha ha it is a very small toilet cubicle, where you have to walk into the room with each knee and leg touching the sides. Its comical in many ways, but as we are struggling to get tradesmen in who arent trying to rip us off, it is also super heart breaking. It's very stressful.
And then last month my father in law died. It has been hell.
My mental health is at an all time low. I am normally very even and calm with my emotions. I am now like a paint can that is being heated from the bottom. Annoy me and I cant keep it all in and the lid comes off. I have never been like this ever in my life. It makes you feel very out of control and it is not a good feeling.
I dont say this for violins or for the "oh I am sorry". I am not sorry, grief is a strange thing, my dad was an amazing person. If I felt nothing that would mean I didnt love people enough. So if you are reading this and you have lost someone. It doesnt matter if it was yesterday or forty years ago. Your feelings are valid.
I have just started grief counselling over the phone. I have no idea how it will all go, but you have to try dont you. If you watch the you tube, the best bit is from 4 minutes 30.
Lets not all be woe is me. If you are reading this, leave me a comment with something lovely in it or tell me about a present you would like. Lets have something nice for today.
A monk decides to meditate alone, away from his monastery.
He takes his boat out to the middle of the lake, moors it there, closes his eyes and begins his meditation. After a few hours of undisturbed silence, he suddenly feels the bump of another boat colliding with his own.
With his eyes still closed, he senses his anger rising, and by the time he opens his eyes, he is ready to scream at the boatman who dared disturb his meditation. But when he opens his eyes, he sees it is an empty boat that had probably got untethered and floated to the middle of the lake.
At that moment, the monk achieves self-realization, and understands that the anger is within him; it merely needs the bump of an external object to provoke it out of him.
From then on, whenever he came across someone who irritated him or provoked him to anger, he reminded himself : ‘’The other person is merely an empty boat. The anger is within me."