I am home for a few days, my Dad is now on a normal ward in the hospital. I heard him speak yesterday, before I left. I cant explain it, but the relief has been like a pain in itself. I thought I would never hear him ever again.
I have felt like a pause button was pushed and now life is playing again. Slowly, but it is playing.
The bubble which we were all in has burst, but before we all start hurtling through life again, I wanted to just say, family is a massive thing. Massive. When you dont want to hear beeping, or to have to anxiously try and listen to a nurse as you watch wiggly lines on a monitor with numbers going up and down at the side of the screen. Tubes going every where. The sweet sound of the whisper of the person in the bed, when he politely tells you "Solly, you look like death" and you joke back, "you arent so hot yourself". My god, it is like air rushing into your lungs and you didnt know you were holding your breath.
Yep, family is a massive thing. There maybe lots of us, and we all have opinions on each others lives. We interfere with the best of intentions. Joke and rib each other a little too hard as we know we will get 'rises' from each other. But when all is said and done. When the chips are down, family comes through. Hand holding, tissue givers, dinner makers, ironers, baby sitters, dog sitters, tea makers, petrol fairies, floor sweepers, sweet notes written in wobbly hand writing of 4 and 5 year olds, prayers said out loud at dinner by said 4 year olds when they try and remember that they are supposed to say thank you for something and it turns out they are super thankful for a felt tip pen - you all snigger, sniff a tear back, because you are saying your own private prayer where you are bargaining with god. "God if you do this I will give up that, and wont do this any more. Ok god. I hope you hear me. I promise I wont, just make him wake up...." praying to a god that you havent prayed to since you were a little kid and Father Christmas was real. Heck family comes through, we may hate each other one minute, but we are stronger together and when the call comes we are all there.
I used to be really embarrassed when we used to go any where together when I was younger. I didnt want people to see us as this massive loud family, with all the kids. "dont they have TV's at home?", is usually heard. We are the baby wearers, the toddler wranglers, the people in the restaurant you never want to sit next to. We field questions from little kids with out batting an eyelid. Why is the sky blue? Why do boys have nipples? My favourite of the week? We were watching Outlander, my mum pipes up, he can make me coffee any time *Cough hic* (My mother cough hics when she thinks she is being funny). 5 year old who has an ear infection and is on the sofa sleeping, "whats the difference between a skirt and a kilt?". "A skirt is usually worn by a lady and a kilt is made of a cloth that shows someones family name, its tradition and is usually worn by a man". Some creasing of the brow of the child. "so if I give my skirt to Alfie and I have written our name on it, its a kilt?". "shall we Google it?", I replied. "No its ok, I will tell him he has to wear it, its tradition". (Alfie is 3). Back to the family. Yes, I am no longer embarrassed.
I am no longer embarrassed. I dont care for you looks, I dont care that you think we should all shut up. I dont care if you think you are better than us. I dont care if we hug the same person 15 times before we leave to get in different cars that are all going to the same house like we arent going to see each other for a year. I dont care that we block the pavement. I dont care for your rolling of the eyes if we have 5 toddlers and only 2 high chairs and you think by tutting and remarking that "you would have thought that we would have told the restaurant that we had so many children". I dont care if you accept the desserts my family send you, as my Mother heard you tell the waitress that its you anniversary, or not. I dont care if you are being disturbed by us standing up and passing a baby down the line so that person can eat their food. If you are that worried, stay home and dont choose the restaurant near a hospital, where there are going to be lots of people like us, who have someone inside the buildings next door. I am not embarrassed. If you were in our shoes I bet you would wish that you had as many as I have in my family.
My family is massive in many ways, heart, soul, noise, hugs, kisses, (why have one when you can have 15). More hands to hold yours, more hands to squeeze yours. More talking more reminiscing. More, just more.
We are all treading water, I am just grateful I have lots of people holding my hand.
*thank you everyone for your worry and your thoughts and comments.* I think of them as a digital hand hold.
We are on the up. I dont know how long he will be in there, but I hope he will be home soon. We have a lot of noisy living to do together, a lot more congratulation celebrations to be had, more marriages, more babies, more christenings, more baptisms, more exam results. More us. More, just more. In my mothers words, "Love one another", thats all.
thank you again for your kindness and if you got to the end thank you for reading. you can be an honourary member of my family, I will digitally hold your hand any time you need it, no matter what for.
Because sometimes, there are no words just gestures.