Monday, 10 July 2017

Treading water whilst holding hands

I am home for a few days, my Dad is now on a normal ward in the hospital.  I heard him speak yesterday, before I left.  I cant explain it, but the relief has been like a pain in itself.  I thought I would never hear him ever again.  

I have felt like a pause button was pushed and now life is playing again. Slowly, but it is playing.

The bubble which we were all in has burst, but before we all start hurtling through life again, I wanted to just say, family is a massive thing.  Massive.  When you dont want to hear beeping, or to have to anxiously try and listen to a nurse as you watch wiggly lines on a monitor with numbers going up and down at the side of the screen. Tubes going every where.  The sweet sound of the whisper of the person in the bed, when he politely tells you "Solly, you look like death" and you joke back, "you arent so hot yourself".  My god, it is like air rushing into your lungs and you didnt know you were holding your breath.  

Yep, family is a massive thing.  There maybe lots of us, and we all have opinions on each others lives.  We interfere with the best of intentions.  Joke and rib each other a little too hard as we know we will get 'rises' from each other.  But when all is said and done.  When the chips are down, family comes through.  Hand holding, tissue givers, dinner makers, ironers, baby sitters, dog sitters, tea makers, petrol fairies, floor sweepers, sweet notes written in wobbly hand writing of 4 and 5 year olds, prayers said out loud at dinner by said 4 year olds when they try and remember that they are supposed to say thank you for something and it turns out they are super thankful for a felt tip pen - you all snigger, sniff a tear back, because you are saying your own private prayer where you are bargaining with god.  "God if you do this I will give up that, and wont do this any more.  Ok god.  I hope you hear me.  I promise I wont, just make him wake up...."  praying to a god that you havent prayed to since you were a little kid and Father Christmas was real.  Heck family comes through, we may hate each other one minute, but we are stronger together and when the call comes we are all there.

I used to be really embarrassed when we used to go any where together when I was younger.  I didnt want people to see us as this massive loud family, with all the kids.  "dont they have TV's at home?", is usually heard.  We are the baby wearers, the toddler wranglers, the people in the restaurant you never want to sit next to.  We field questions from little kids with out batting an eyelid.  Why is the sky blue?  Why do boys have nipples?  My favourite of the week?  We were watching Outlander, my mum pipes up, he can make me coffee any time *Cough hic* (My mother cough hics when she thinks she is being funny).  5 year old who has an ear infection and is on the sofa sleeping, "whats the difference between a skirt and a kilt?".  "A skirt is usually worn by a lady and a kilt is made of a cloth that shows someones family name, its tradition and is usually worn by a man".  Some creasing of the brow of the child.  "so if I give my skirt to Alfie and I have written our name on it, its a kilt?".  "shall we Google it?", I replied.  "No its ok, I will tell him he has to wear it, its tradition". (Alfie is 3).  Back to the family.  Yes, I am no longer embarrassed.  

I am no longer embarrassed.  I dont care for you looks, I dont care that you think we should all shut up.  I dont care if you think you are better than us.  I dont care if we hug the same person 15 times before we leave to get in different cars that are all going to the same house like we arent going to see each other for a year.  I dont care that we block the pavement.  I dont care for your rolling of the eyes if we have 5 toddlers and only 2 high chairs and you think by tutting and remarking that "you would have thought that we would have told the restaurant that we had so many children".  I dont care if you accept the desserts my family send you, as my Mother heard you tell the waitress that its you anniversary, or not.  I dont care if you are being disturbed by us standing up and passing a baby down the line so that person can eat their food.  If you are that worried, stay home and dont choose the restaurant near a hospital, where there are going to be lots of people like us, who have someone inside the buildings next door.  I am not embarrassed. If you were in our shoes I bet you would wish that you had as many as I have in my family.

My family is massive in many ways, heart, soul, noise, hugs, kisses, (why have one when you can have 15).  More hands to hold yours, more hands to squeeze yours. More talking more reminiscing.  More, just more.

We are all treading water, I am just grateful I have lots of people holding my hand.

*thank you everyone for your worry and your thoughts and comments.* I think of them as a digital hand hold.  

We are on the up.  I dont know how long he will be in there, but I hope he will be home soon.  We have a lot of noisy living to do together, a lot more congratulation celebrations to be had, more marriages, more babies, more christenings, more baptisms, more exam results.  More us.  More, just more.  In my mothers words, "Love one another", thats all. 

thank you again for your kindness and if you got to the end thank you for reading.  you can be an honourary member of my family, I will digitally hold your hand any time you need it, no matter what for.  

Because sometimes, there are no words just gestures.

19 comments:

Mac n' Janet said...

One of the most beautiful posts I've ever read. Bless you and your whole family for being a joy.

DUTA said...

Family - the more, the better.
Very moving post!

kymber said...

i wish to be an immediate add-on to your family...i have no family and would really like to be an extension of your family...to be there for all of you and your Dad. tell him that two bug-bitten nekkid canadians are hoping for the best for him! and if we could be there, we'd put on clothes and be all british proper for him!

i know how much this hurts you and i want you to know that people who are thousands of miles away want the best for you and your family!

we are sending soooo much love to you Sol! yur friends,
kymber and jambaloney

Janie Junebug said...

This post is beautiful. I urge you to continue not caring.

Love,
Janie

Jules said...

Sending love and strength Sol. I am just so pleased you have so much love and support around you.
Your family sounds amazing. The stuff of dreams for me. Hold them close. And if you ever need another member.....X

Raybeard said...

I know just how true your final words here are, Sol. I am not only duty-bound, I am PRIVILEGED to offer you my own (though digital) hand to hold in times of hardship. Please take it whenever you want. It'll always be there.

local alien said...

What a fabulous family!!! With such a phenomal family around him I'm sure your father will soon be out and about and you will ALL live very long happy lives. Now THAT is what those blue zones are all about! You love and feel loved with all those awesome people around you.

I just loved the description of your family. I thought ours was big enough and loud enough but yours is so much more lively. Youre lucky Sol to have so many people who care and understand!!

Justme said...

I love this. You describe 'love in action' blessings to your wonderful family.

Dani said...

Prayers across the miles.

Beautifully written - and so powerful that I want - I need - to be part of your family too...

Sol said...

Hey Janet, thank you for your comment and reading my post! :)

DUTA, you get it, the more the better! Its just taken me a long time to get it.

Kymber and Jam, you can be part of my clan any time! ;) You can also join the Mr's clan in Canada as well, they are the salt of the earth and will give you the clothes off of their back and their love the moment you walk in the door you are family.

Janie, I will carry on not caring! Thank you for reading. I hope there arent too many grammatical errors ;)

Sol said...

Hey Jules, when the poop hits the fan there is nothing like a big family to shoulder the burden. You are an honourary member of my clan! The membership fees are paid in service of tea making, and unloading the dishwasher. Welcome.

Ray, you have been a member of my clan for a long time, your membership fees are reading a book a month and reading my crappy reviews! lol Beaming you huge amounts of love as I know you need hand holding too right now. You can have my hand and my shoulder, I have a spare one. The priviledge is all mine.

Linda, I am sure if our clans got together it would be one hell of a shin dig! You are right, people who feel loved live longer. Statistics show married men live longer. They get loved whether they like it or not! If our clans joined we could take over the world!

Welcome to my blog, Justme. I like your phrase, love in action. It reminds me of the winnie the pooh still, 'how do you spell love?' asked Piglet. 'You dont spell it you feel it', replies Pooh.

Dani, you are in. Your membership fees are pictures of plants, caring for the environment and picking up alpaca poop. Deal? Done! Thank you for your beaming of love and prayers they are gratefully accepted.

Jacqui Fenner-Dixon said...

I actually got choked up reading your post. So glad your Dad is progressing and that you have all those hands to hold and kisses. Your family sounds amazing!

Sol said...

Hi Jacqui, thank you for your comment, you dont know the worth of family when you are younger it is only really in the last 2 years that it has not only been noticed by me, but has bashed me over the head and in some cases it is too late for me to let people know how much I thought of them and respected them.

Rachel said...

Interesting post, letting it all out. I think I appreciated my family more when I was younger actually, but then someone has to be different I suppose. We all pulled together when we were young and innocent on the farm, but as we got older and had our own ideas it all got more difficult and we all wanted to speak and be right. I am happy again now in another phase of my life and have never much cared what people think in any case. I am glad you have been able to write all this down today and felt able to share it. I enjoy your blog. Thanks.

Sol said...

Hey Rachel, I have lived away from my family for a really long time now (more than half my life) and as I dont have my own children, I think that maybe I didnt need them as much as my siblings needed my parents and extended family. It was a realisation to me that, well, its time to accept it that they really arent that bad. And that they have all been there for us. Maybe if I had been closer in proximity to my siblings maybe we would be different to now. Who knows. But right now I am thankful that they have all come together and helped both of my parents and my siblings. its been a bloody hard month, I dont ever want to do it again. although I know at some point it all will be different and another of us will pass away. I just dont want it to be yet.

I hope you are enjoying your week :) thanks for commenting.

kymber said...

thank you so much for the beautiful comment you left on our blog - we were both very touched! and i will be sure to wink at Uncle Joseph! you and yours are in our prayers!

sending much love as always Sol! your friend,
kymber

Sol said...

Hey Kymber, Uncle Joseph will think he has hit the jackpot with you guys!

Toffeeapple said...

So sorry to be late in reading, but I hope things improve for you very quickly. Hugs!

Sol said...

Hey Toffeeapple, thank you for leaving a comment :) he is improving which is fantastic.